Yngwie Malmsteen - Alchemy Review
None other than Yngwie Malmsteen - the arrogant, donut rejecting / flight attendance abusing idiot. Yngwie’s ‘Alchemy’ wasn’t chosen for a particular reason other than it’s one of the only albums of his I haven’t yet deleted for some reason.
It was cool that Yngwie revolutionized shred in the 80’s…and cool that he maintains his style throughout the ages…the only thing that doesn’t end up being cool is his music.
On this album, many songs such as ‘Playing with Fire’ opens with a continous wave of surfing arpeggios up and down. Awesome…but when the hell does this stop? A solo should be climactic or melodic. It becomes overused and the song structure becomes ruined as the solos in the rest of the songs won’t be any more meaningful.
‘Alchemy’ also features a ball clenching singer, who not only sounds awful but coupled with lyrics like these:
Playing with Fire:
Playing with fire
You’ll get burned
Flames grow higherPlaying with fire, Fire
Playing with fire, Ahh
Playing with fire.
The Stand:
Stand. The Stand
Try to understand The Stand.
How does shit like this get approved? Is Yngwie’s label run by fucking, demented 7 year olds?
Here’s Yngwie wearing lipstick and being the general douchebag he is. I know you wish I put a photo of a demented 7 year old instead, but this is just as sad.
The more and more I analyse this album, I actually realise there IS a lot particularly wrong with it. People have been skeptical of Yngwie’s constant line-up change in his band ‘Rising Force’, usually sacking and re-hiring after the failing of an album. What I don’t get is, WHY would you hire even shitter musicians next time. Now, if you’ve read any other of my reviews, you’ll know there are some pretty terrible lyrics out there. I take everything back. Behold:
Seven million, four hundred
Five thousand, nine
Hundred and twenty-six
Demons will do their dance
Cannot escape
Holding a crucifix
Seven million, four hundred
Five thousand, nine
Hundred and twenty-six.
Looks fucking dreadful? Wait till you hear it.
You are clinically retarted if your facial expression doesn’t match.
I love when people try to defend the crappy albums they love by trying to make them sound more sophisticated or enjoyable than they actually are.
Edd writes: “The theme of Alchemy seems to be human’s reflection on profound events affecting them, such as Daemon Dance being about a large number of inhospitable demons among it’s underlying meanings“.
You’re kidding me.
Now, defenders of the album or Yngwie could say “Well it’s all about Yngwie’s neoclassical virtuosity”. It isn’t. Basically it’s about rubbing bricks on your gouche, but a lot more uncomfortable.
Just because he’s one of the world’s greatest shredders in terms of technicality, doesn’t make any of his material instantly as amazing. Instrumental opener to ‘Alchemy’s ‘Blitzkreig’ is an exciting piece of neoclassic shred, and isn’t ruined by anything else like the other songs, which are mixed with boring riffage, a stale singer, and incredibly abhorrent lyrics. I could go on, but just informing you of track names like ‘Wield my Sword’ …you know what’s coming.
mun said:
Jan 30, 08 at 3:39 amYour reviews are great, especially liked the RHCP one. Write more often man.
admin said:
Jan 30, 08 at 11:08 amCheers man. I’d write everyday if I had an arsenal of shitty albums to review. I may seem like a hating douchebag only reviewing albums that suck, but I like almost every album I hear so they’re hard to come across.
Chris J said:
Jan 30, 08 at 6:16 pmHow about you review a Dream Theateer album next - oh wait, this is albums that suck. Dream Theater forever!
mun said:
Jan 30, 08 at 10:03 pmYeah do that, especially about those cheesy gothic lyrics.
admin said:
Jan 31, 08 at 11:35 amI thought you were cool mun. ‘cheesy gothic lyrics’ bring it down a notch but there’s a LOT more to bring it back up to par.
mun said:
Jan 31, 08 at 11:45 pmhey I AM cool. and I do like DT.
but that album is really a let down. There’s one real good song on it though, one in which the really cheese lyrics and the computer game vocal effects don’t fuck up enough for me to skip, the dark eternal night. part one of enemies is also okay.
admin said:
Feb 01, 08 at 12:50 amDark Eternal Night is possibly one of the cheesiest songs on the album, how could you like that? What songs are you talking about that have computer game vocals?
mun said:
Feb 01, 08 at 2:51 amThey’re all cheesy and have that nu metal -rap vocals that sound like they’re on a walki talki- effect, dark eternal night just has cool enough instrumental parts to cover it up a bit.
pt 1 of in presence of enemies is really good though, I give you that.
admin said:
Feb 01, 08 at 9:31 amForsaken, Repentance, Prophets of War, Ministry of Lost Souls, and the majority of ITPOE P2 have no ‘walki-talki’ distortion or ‘nu metal rap’, what’s wrong with them?
Chris J said:
Feb 02, 08 at 3:25 pmrise against = end of the world music
mun said:
Feb 03, 08 at 7:17 amAll those tracks are just uncomfortable to listen to. Whenever they’re on I start sweating and looking around nervously to make sure that no one is watching me listen to them.
admin said:
Feb 03, 08 at 8:53 amlol What a poor justification ‘just uncomfortable’. Sounds like you’re a fairly paranoid lad too.
mun said:
Feb 04, 08 at 2:16 amnah, it just feels like blasting enrique iglesias with open windows while cruising downtown on a friday night, if you know what I mean.
Beav said:
Feb 07, 08 at 12:30 pmI agree, Yngwie hasn’t been good since the 80s.
I personally would love to see your review of the album “Fire Up The Blades” by 3 Inches Of Blood.
Omni said:
Feb 09, 08 at 3:23 pmDream Theater is so gay they’ve resorted to ripping off Muse songs on their last 2 albums. If you deny the OBVIOUS influence on some of their songs, you’re either deaf or…well, in denial. Or just a faggot.
admin said:
Feb 09, 08 at 4:14 pmWho couldn’t deny the influence? The bands been ever-changing for 21 years. So now you don’t like Dream Theater because Never Enough and Prophets of War sound like Muse songs?
It’s not gay, it’s paying tribute and experimentation in different types of songs. You would just complain about them never changing, sounding too similar, or try and pry another band they’ve supposingly ripped off out of them.
Lorenzo said:
Feb 21, 08 at 2:22 pmYngwie is only the best player around. Shut up, because probably you can’t play or write such beautiful songs. I’m really happy that he’s doing what he loves while you’re only writing this shit. You didn’t have a good ear. You didn’t have respect for a true musician that played the guitar more that you have breathed.
admin said:
Feb 24, 08 at 3:37 pmSo you could play ’such beautiful songs’ like him?
You’re commenting how he’s played more guitar than I have breathed. If you read my review closely, I praise his guitar skill and talent. This is Albums that suck, not guitar players or artists who suck.
Lille said:
Mar 03, 08 at 9:03 amOh my god. I am speechless.
I find it hard to believe that lyrics like those seriously can exist, but I’ll take your word for it.
Tom said:
Mar 09, 08 at 3:47 pmNeo Classical is alright. Yngwie-although I dislike him-is a talented guitarist no doubt. But guitar skill and writing are apples and oranges, and he absolutely sucks at the latter. What good is skill without a foundation to apply it to? Wait until you’re 20 if you want to argue with me, when you realize he isnt just catalyzing how “badass you are”. That’s when you’ll have hopefully got into Satch, Vai (his musical stuff) or Petrucci (not necessarily DT, cause the singing puts a lot of people off) Heck, rock out with my old pal Clapton if you have to, just throw this Malmsteen CD out.
admin said:
Mar 10, 08 at 5:10 pmYeah, neo classical elements are good, like in Symphony X. And yes…he sure does suck at the latter.
shredhead said:
Aug 15, 08 at 3:28 pmIm a big malmsteen fan and I got too agree with you, this album sucked balls. doesnt mean hes a bad songwriter though and his instrumental work is what makes his albums good. hes got some amazing songs.
Ass Bandido said:
Aug 20, 08 at 1:00 amDude, maybe i’m a nerd, but your shit is hilarious! More!